I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
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6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
The biggest mystery of our time
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]