My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
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My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Krampus.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”