One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
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Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Alexa: *deep breath*
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow