Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
You Might Also Like
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Wise advice
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Chicago sounds lovely.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican