[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
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Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.