Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂