“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
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Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I hope it’s French Onion!
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years