Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
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You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.