i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
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me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct