Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
You Might Also Like
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too