Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
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Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”