Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
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The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Breaking news:
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
just gave your address to some spiders
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.