When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
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Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
absolute chaos
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Check your privilege
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????