Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
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[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
our love story in four pictures
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.