I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
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I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Breaking news:
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”