If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
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Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
me: my friends:
she has a point