My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
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Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Breaking news:
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees