My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
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Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.