Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
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Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid