Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
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My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
October already? What’s next? November????
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”