I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
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The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!