*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
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WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress