Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
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(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Every house has this drawer
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
also my go-to takeaway order
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
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*What time is it?~How my send button should function