My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
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Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
the three branches of government
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.