“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
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me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Still a very good boi….
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.