They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
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College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?