ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
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God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.