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Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
The “research” scene in every horror movie
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”