Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
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The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue