It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
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If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Me, flirting😏
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean