My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
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All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
no such thing as a dumb question
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related