The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
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Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.