[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
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[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*