I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
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This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“