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captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.