Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
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A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
constantly working on myself.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.