Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
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I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”