Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
You Might Also Like
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.