Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
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A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president