If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Never let them know your next move 😂
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
happy mother’s day❤️
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”