Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
You Might Also Like
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Follow me for more recipes
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.