Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
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Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane