I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
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When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Sniffing the broccoli
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman