I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
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The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
*frowns in Scottish*
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.