Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
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My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.