God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
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I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.