Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
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there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.