Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
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I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.