The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
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It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Leaving the Barbers like
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.