👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
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So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
This is so me 😂😂
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.